While watching the news feeds on the
downfall of former CBC golden boy Jian Ghomeshi, the same thought keeps coming
back to my mind. How is it that in this age of modern thinking, of feminism, of
women needing to “lean in” and break glass ceilings that we are still
vulnerable and silenced into fear of shame and reprisal from a powerful male
who deems it okay to take advantage of their public identity and cross personal
boundaries physically and sexually? How does it happen that each of these women
walked away feeling that the best case scenario would be to shake it off, walk
away and try to go on with business as usual?
Over the past few weeks fellow
PR/Communications pundit Elissa Freeman and I have been waxing the ins and outs
of the various “fails” regarding women’s issues whether it has been relying on
“karma” for raises or freezing eggs for female Apple employees. We also talk
often about work-life balance in trying to raise our daughters in an era where
instant communication, instant gratification and very few boundaries seem to be
in place. We use communications in our
work every day. We balance and comment on boundaries all the time, online, at
work and even in our day-to-day relationships.
Well, as a mother #Ghomeshigate has
highlighted that in this world of “openness”, and web based platforms for fluid communication we have done an “epic fail” when it comes to our
daughters in helping them to speak out when boundaries are crossed. Why?
Because even in all of this openness we haven’t given them the tools to be able
to come forward and protect themselves and others out of fear of the onslaught
of comments and public shaming that comes on in full stereo over social media
pages when the heat turns up on the latest trending scandal.
Boundaries. Personal, safe, secure
boundaries. Boundaries that garner self-respect and an environment where the
truth can be shared without shame and without fear of reprisal. Boundaries that
create networks of support not through “likes” or Twitter wars of criticism but
rather real honest to goodness support when taking appropriate action and
speaking out because it is simply the right thing to do.
Somewhere in this new world where what
matters online is paramount we have lost this important message with our
daughters. How did this happen? How did an entire era of empowering women put
us back into this situation? How is it that we are speaking out about
pay equity, body image and advancing careers while at the same time maintaining
polite silences that go on for years regarding someone in a position of power
who was by definition hurting women behind closed doors?
Each of the women who have begun to come
forward have expressed the same concerns – shame, fear of not being taken
seriously, distress of eviscerating “he said/she said” scenarios, dread of retaliations
online and a barrage of negativity and criticism.
How ironic in a generation where we are
bold and brave on social media – sometimes even brazen with photos and Twitter
duels to draw hundreds if not thousands into your conversation to be
“relevant”. A generation of “I post therefore I am”, yet we want to only post
the good, the successful the bright and shiny. If it will hurt your image then
put it away and move on. Something is seriously out of whack when we still stay
silent out of fear how someone else’s gross violations and actions will reflect
on us as individuals.
Our daughters play in the social media
playground. They are young, excited, open and savvy. They are growing up in a
generation where technology puts the world at their feet and connects them to
everything and everyone they want. But while they and we do indeed put our
lives “out there” on Facebook feeds, while we post our best images on Instagram,
while we Twitter well-crafted comments and create a personal image out in the
world that all is well, what we don’t do is learn the rules of engagement on
the most personal of levels, one on one. And with that I’m not sure I haven’t
failed as a parent for not making sure that my daughters’ can embrace and
discern those relationships and know from the social norms they are taught how
to act on them if they go terribly wrong.
But perhaps there are signs that this is
indeed changing. It’s not the first time that we are asking ourselves these
questions in recent months. #WhyIStayed and Janay Rice’s story exposed not only
her victimization, but the network that supported it. (Q covered the story with
great interest as a cultural phenomenon). Women are coming forward with regards
to Bill Cosby “America’s Favorite Dad” and speaking out about a man they
describe as a sexual predator who abused his powerful role in the entertainment
industry for decades. It’s important to note that in each of these cases criminal charges have not been laid.
Macleans’ this week estimated that 1 in 5
women will be assaulted on university campuses and that there is inconsistent
and outdated policy in how to address the problem. Isn’t it time? Isn’t it your
daughter about to go on campus? If we don’t start there why wouldn’t it continue
in the workplace and in their personal lives?
Each of the women that have come forward against
Jian Ghomeshi are setting an example of how we address this. Lucy DeCoutere and
Reva Seth raised the bar by putting their names and their stories into the
public domain. As a parent it’s a relief to see that we can pull back from the
“epic fail” and start to talk about it rather than just scrubbing ourselves
clean from the shame. From harassment policies to how we have the conversation,
its time to examine how we teach our daughters to speak out but also make sure
that when they do there are tools are in place to support them as they weather
the boundaries of their integrity. In the meantime feminism is in fact going viral. The hashtags and the conversation on the web is getting louder with #AmINext #RapedNeverReported #IBelieve. If there is one thing we have learned from #Ghomeshigate is that while our daughters aren't yet coming forward to the authorities, they are certainly learning the power of #YouCantShutMeUp
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