Is #Ghomeshigate a #feminism fail or win in teaching our daughters to speak up?

While watching the news feeds on the downfall of former CBC golden boy Jian Ghomeshi, the same thought keeps coming back to my mind. How is it that in this age of modern thinking, of feminism, of women needing to “lean in” and break glass ceilings that we are still vulnerable and silenced into fear of shame and reprisal from a powerful male who deems it okay to take advantage of their public identity and cross personal boundaries physically and sexually? How does it happen that each of these women walked away feeling that the best case scenario would be to shake it off, walk away and try to go on with business as usual?

           Over the past few weeks fellow PR/Communications pundit Elissa Freeman and I have been waxing the ins and outs of the various “fails” regarding women’s issues whether it has been relying on “karma” for raises or freezing eggs for female Apple employees. We also talk often about work-life balance in trying to raise our daughters in an era where instant communication, instant gratification and very few boundaries seem to be in place.  We use communications in our work every day. We balance and comment on boundaries all the time, online, at work and even in our day-to-day relationships.

Well, as a mother #Ghomeshigate has highlighted that in this world of “openness”, and web based platforms for fluid communication we have done an “epic fail” when it comes to our daughters in helping them to speak out when boundaries are crossed. Why? Because even in all of this openness we haven’t given them the tools to be able to come forward and protect themselves and others out of fear of the onslaught of comments and public shaming that comes on in full stereo over social media pages when the heat turns up on the latest trending scandal.

Boundaries. Personal, safe, secure boundaries. Boundaries that garner self-respect and an environment where the truth can be shared without shame and without fear of reprisal. Boundaries that create networks of support not through “likes” or Twitter wars of criticism but rather real honest to goodness support when taking appropriate action and speaking out because it is simply the right thing to do.

Somewhere in this new world where what matters online is paramount we have lost this important message with our daughters. How did this happen? How did an entire era of empowering women put us back into this situation? How is it that we are speaking out about pay equity, body image and advancing careers while at the same time maintaining polite silences that go on for years regarding someone in a position of power who was by definition hurting women behind closed doors?

Each of the women who have begun to come forward have expressed the same concerns – shame, fear of not being taken seriously, distress of eviscerating “he said/she said” scenarios, dread of retaliations online and a barrage of negativity and criticism.

How ironic in a generation where we are bold and brave on social media – sometimes even brazen with photos and Twitter duels to draw hundreds if not thousands into your conversation to be “relevant”. A generation of “I post therefore I am”, yet we want to only post the good, the successful the bright and shiny. If it will hurt your image then put it away and move on. Something is seriously out of whack when we still stay silent out of fear how someone else’s gross violations and actions will reflect on us as individuals.

Our daughters play in the social media playground. They are young, excited, open and savvy. They are growing up in a generation where technology puts the world at their feet and connects them to everything and everyone they want. But while they and we do indeed put our lives “out there” on Facebook feeds, while we post our best images on Instagram, while we Twitter well-crafted comments and create a personal image out in the world that all is well, what we don’t do is learn the rules of engagement on the most personal of levels, one on one. And with that I’m not sure I haven’t failed as a parent for not making sure that my daughters’ can embrace and discern those relationships and know from the social norms they are taught how to act on them if they go terribly wrong.

But perhaps there are signs that this is indeed changing. It’s not the first time that we are asking ourselves these questions in recent months. #WhyIStayed and Janay Rice’s story exposed not only her victimization, but the network that supported it. (Q covered the story with great interest as a cultural phenomenon). Women are coming forward with regards to Bill Cosby “America’s Favorite Dad” and speaking out about a man they describe as a sexual predator who abused his powerful role in the entertainment industry for decades. It’s important to note that in each of these cases criminal charges have not been laid. 

Macleans’ this week estimated that 1 in 5 women will be assaulted on university campuses and that there is inconsistent and outdated policy in how to address the problem. Isn’t it time? Isn’t it your daughter about to go on campus? If we don’t start there why wouldn’t it continue in the workplace and in their personal lives?

Each of the women that have come forward against Jian Ghomeshi are setting an example of how we address this. Lucy DeCoutere and Reva Seth raised the bar by putting their names and their stories into the public domain. As a parent it’s a relief to see that we can pull back from the “epic fail” and start to talk about it rather than just scrubbing ourselves clean from the shame. From harassment policies to how we have the conversation, its time to examine how we teach our daughters to speak out but also make sure that when they do there are tools are in place to support them as they weather the boundaries of their integrity. In the meantime feminism is in fact going viral. The hashtags and the conversation on the web is getting louder with #AmINext #RapedNeverReported #IBelieve. If there is one thing we have learned from #Ghomeshigate is that while our daughters aren't yet coming forward to the authorities, they are certainly learning the power of #YouCantShutMeUp

Barriers of Safety or Barriers of Fear?

 

Years ago while living in Jerusalem a visit to Canada in 2003 during the second Gulf War coined the "war on terror" elicited questions around the dinner table - Is this necessary? There isn't any real threat for us here in Canada. The decision to sit this one “out” was loud and clear from Canadians.

With several wars and up close views of more terrorist attacks than one should ever bear witness to my answer then was simple - the Middle East is a rough neighbourhood. Rife with conflict for decades it's a cauldron of poverty, physical displacement, religious fervor and political extremism. This 'hood operates in a constant state of attempting disengagement that boils over every few years into full-scale conflict as a means for survival not resolution.  Sometimes it needs some help, sometimes it doesn’t. Living in Canada then (and now) is a luxury we often take for granted. The safety and security of a democracy with moderate values and a stable economy means freedom to move and go where I want with ease.

Going to the Eaton's Centre the next day the automatic readiness for my purse to be checked as I entered the subway reminded me I wasn't in my Kansas of conflict anymore. It was a sobering insight as to what one gets used to.

Well, this week that changed – it’s a matter of if it’s a little or the beginning of a lot.  

Instinct from years of bus bombings meant brief text messages to friends in Ottawa - RU OK?

I know this routine - I can do it in my sleep - check that everyone is okay and then follow the headlines for the rest. And as the day's events unfolded I was relieved to see that the Canadian way of addressing the heightened state of alert was not with pounding music news intros and breathless reporters. It was dignified, solemn, and for those reporting hats off it was accurate and -  more importantly - calm.

So to my Canadian friends and family as you begin to digest the events of the day and process what this means - understand that what you are about to explore is the possibility of living in a different kind of 'hood. In this one you may have your bag checked when you get into a subway station or enter a public building be it a government office or going to the movies. You'll want to travel lighter to go through security checks as a general part of your day. You might wait in line - at hockey games, and even at the mall to clear a metal detector. It might become routine and sometimes necessary. It won't be a debate anymore to figure out which security detail should check bags at the entrance to Parliament Hill and how many meters away the perimeter should be because, it will just get done.

I'll smile and give you a nod as you struggle with the notion of security at home. I understand that the thought of this is grating against the principles of openness, freedom and democracy that as Canadians we hold dear. I get it - the easy walk "going up the Hill" is something veteran Liberal MP John McKay said is a loss we should lament. NDP Leader Tom Mulcair worries about Frisbee players no longer hanging out on the lawn. However the question of the day is how did an armed gunman get onto Parliament Hill and into Centre Block? The answer is that in declaring to be resilient in the fight against those who wish to elicit terror, things do have to change in how we treat our public spaces. Not because the perpetrators dictate it, not because we live in fear, but because safety comes first. Not because we are afraid but because some things have changed in the 'hood whether we like it or not.

What won't change if we choose it - is how we treat each other as Canadians. While you might have to go through a few more security checks in the future it does not change the multicultural and open society that embraces all of its citizens who in turn also embrace those values. It does not change that we are a country with one of the fastest growing immigrant populations in the world, with individuals arriving from all over the globe. Only fear changes those views, not new security barricades.

Over in that democracy in the Middle East Israelis live in this reality all the time. But the fact is that they LIVE with the security measures, they are not ruled by them. As a democratic society with an open and often outdoor culture there are festivals, public beaches, and the simple pleasure of sitting at patio cafes even in January - Israelis enjoy life to the fullest (and in Tel Aviv around the clock).

They are also paying attention and recognize the need for cautious and at times even vigilant measures.  They go to the mall and to soccer games. They go easily to City Hall, the Knesset and the Supreme Court. Israelis are truly "out and about" in word and in action - equally outspoken on both civil liberties and on the need for security. I won't deny that years of conflict have given root to loud voices and actions that are extreme, racist and yes even violent and destructive. However even in the face of that adversity there are many Israelis from the political and social spheres who hold out the hand for fairness and justice. They come together in adversity and are open to try and embrace their 'hood and everyone who lives in it for something better for themselves and for their children.

Sometimes cynical and sometimes hopeful moderates over there do try to balance on the barriers and hope to find a way to bring them down. I’ll be honest; it’s still an elusive effort. This week while Jerusalemites gathered to hear Palestinian Mira Awad and Israeli David Broza perform and share their vision of coexistence, a lone driver drove into a crowd of pedestrians killing a 3-month old infant. It was the second vehicle attack in nearly as many months.  Nevertheless people are out on the street and getting back to life. Terrorism does not have to change who you are as an individual as a community or even as a nation.

Ottawa like Jerusalem is a government town. Laden with the symbols of democracy and power they are each as big in vision as they are small in how their residents come together.  Likened to a community, both are not so much cities – but rather neighbourhoods of sorts,  close knit and protective. As the nation’s capital Ottawa is the place we turn to for answers and stability.  How did this happen? Actually we're a nation that has faced security challenges like this before, even at Centre Block, but they are so few a far between we've forgotten them. The juxtaposition of this week’s and last week's actions is nerve rattling. The global neighborhood is changing and we undoubtedly need to look at that effect carefully at home, from lone wolves and acts of violence to the messages of hate and racism that rise out of extremism and glorifying conflict.

In all of this we must also remember that as Canadians we’re not passive - we've been part of fighting forces around the globe for over a century. We know when to keep the peace and when to step up to fight for the values we hold dear. We’ve created a national identity anchored in those beliefs. Then why now are we a nation questioning whether or not to set up better barriers to protect our soldiers, our children who visit the Hill and the politicians we elect to uphold our democratic values? A metal detector further from the entrance won't change that.

Jerusalem is a town that knows intimately what acts of terror look and feel like. Ottawa doesn’t. While we examine this week and what took place the question will be was this an act of terror or a criminal one? There is no question that the actions in Ottawa and Montreal instilled fear and caused chaos while resulting in the tragic loss of life.

It’s been nearly a decade since I was asked that question of what is really necessary in facing terrorism. Then the concern was abroad and not persuasive enough to fundamentally change daily public life, even post 9/11. But before we go down that rabbit hole called terrorism now, home grown or internationally influenced, let’s take a step back and look at the facts. Mental health and isolation were root causes of motivation here. In a world of global interconnectedness via the Web those who are lonely and vulnerable can connect to extremist values and communities in a new way that we are just beginning to consider the implications of. Instead of knee jerk reactions and fear of what legislative measures and potential charter violations we will or won’t tolerate, let’s examine models to see what we need and what we don’t. Yes better security will be needed just as a general practice. But the uncomfortable carrying out of intelligence gathering that bend privacy violations to the reprecussions racial profiling is something that will take a respectful and careful examination based on facts on the ground in our home ‘hood, not out of fear but out of practical measures to uphold the values we cherish.

So yes, this will change things, but not the way you think.